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'Unregulated Sperm Donor Websites'
Ask Emma questions about DIY Baby web sites and private sperm donors

As the DIY Baby Market Flourishes 'Free Sperm Donations Worldwide' web site is attacked by authorities- read article

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Dec 2010

My stance on 'unsafe sperm'

Noc 2010I was recently sent a letter from Lesley Beaton - BTOX Compliance Specialist- Health Products and Food Brach Inspectorate- Health Canada- see letter here

This was my response-

Dear Lesley,

My site is simply a connections web site- like a dating site- what people do when they have connected is up to them. It is a social networking web site.
It appears from your letter that men can only donate to women if they are a partner or sexual partner. I promote AI for health, legal and emotional reasons- however if this means that I am in breach of these regulations I will change the wording. I will be clear that all Canadian donors MUST have
sex with these women in order to donate, once they have connected through the web site members only area.

Can I also be clear - is it illegal for men to offer help women become pregnant privately, except when they make it clear they will have intercourse for this purpose?
Are all social forums to ban men from telling women and infertile couples they are willing to help them with fertility issues- unless through sex- and are women also (by law) not allowed to advertise that they need help, unless it is clear they will have sex with the helper?

The amendments will be made today- much to my disappointment. I am helping thousands of people when the current options are limited- and not only for the women and donor- but also the child. With our arrangements the child has access to far greater information- and most develop an arrangement where the child can contact the donor BEFORE 18- and many make an arrangement to
co-parent. While well meaning, the current regulations often mean that the child suffers. You will see my campaign 'Every child deserves to know where they come from'. With private arrangements there are of course risks- however since creating this in 2003/4 I have had no issues from any of my
members or donors- and many happy families. Men want to have met and chosen who they donate to- and the women/ couple want to know who is the biological father of their child. This is not possible through regulated organisations.
Since the creation I have been a vigorously promoting safe and responsible sperm donation practices- AI following testing etc- and with both parties using donor agreement or co-parenting arrangement documentation. I do not want to promote that men and women have sex for this purpose- I see it as
far more dangerous in every respect. Your letter, however, leaves me with no choice. The alternative is stop helping men and women in Canada and again limiting their choices- and the opportunities for donor conceived children to have an involvement with their donor- and fewer identity issues.

I will change the working on all Canadian pages today.

Please do let me know if anything else is required.

Emma Hartnell-Baker
Also known as The Child Listener™
 DIY Baby™- Creating Choices


----- Original Message -----
From: "Lesley Beaton" <Lesley.Beaton@hc-sc.gc.ca>
To: <info@footprint_solutions.com.au>; <emma@diy-baby.com>
Cc: "Larry Young" <Larry.Young@hc-sc.gc.ca>; "Lesley Beaton"
<Lesley.Beaton@hc-sc.gc.ca>
Sent: Friday, December 03, 2010 4:12 AM
Subject: Health Canada Donor Semen Regulations


>
> Dear Ms. Hartnell-Baker,
>
> Please see attached compliance letter with respect to the Canadian
> regulations pertaining to the processing, importation and distribution of
> donor semen for assisted conception.
>
> Your response to this letter is requested by Monday Dec 6, 2010.
>
> (See attached file: DONORSEMEN_Dec2010.pdf)
>
> Thanks
> Lesley
>
> _________________
> Lesley Beaton
> Blood, Tissues, Organs and Xenograph Compliance Specialist
> Health Products and Food Branch Inspectorate
> Health Canada
> BC-Yukon Region
> Phone: (604) 666-3057
> Fax: (604) 666-3149
> Internet e-mail: Lesley_Beaton@hc-sc.gc.ca

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I had a recent response to the letter - and my response above- let me know your thoughts on this issues? Em
Emma@DIY-Baby.com

Well done emma- we have had enough of this Big Brother type approach- we are adults! If these men want to help what is wrong with that? Surely better than a one night stand and not telling them- which , according to Canadian regulation- is better than using AI with a knowing donor? My concern with this is that we used AI so that the intent was clear- should anything happen legally. We were advised to do that when we asked for legal advice- and we also modified the donor agreement (from your site, thanks) Our child has the chance to meet our donor is he wants- when he wants- and our donors knows we wont take him to court for support or anything. We also wanted our child to know that he was conceived from a great man we chose- after meeting him- and who chose us- we would hate to tell our child we had to have sex for this! In our case it was a wonderful experience- professional- non invasive. We are a lesbian couple- so are the Canadian health authorities expecting us to have sex with a man to avoid legal action? Its crazy.
Sam (luckily not from Canada!)

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You will read of many heartbreaking stories where donor conceived children talk of how unhappy they are with the current system relating to sperm donation through sperm banks and clinics, and the lack of information available to them. Men also talk of not wanting to donate through clinics as they can't choose who will be the parent/s of their biological child- even though they won't be involved- and women talk of also wanting to know exactly who the father will be, so that they can share this with the child.
The Child Listener™- Emma Hartnell-Baker- believes that private sperm donation arrangements can be of far more benefit to the child- and also be a more rewarding experience for the donor- and more personal for the potential recipient.
She had this to say after being told by Health Canada that she could face criminal charges if she continues to help connect men who will help without charge- with women looking for a private sperm donor...

'We need to talk about alternatives, that more effectively meet the needs of the men who donate, the recipient (and partner where applicable) and - most importantly- the child that is born as a result. Children need to know where they come from- they deserve as much information as possible. In the current system this isnt happening. My aim is to offer choices to consenting adults- and many of the arrangements made through FSDW have resulted in children being in touch with their 'donor dad' even before 18- or at least being given more detailed personal information. Many are more actively involved- and some even co-parent. Children want to know that this wasnt a guy who randomly donated his sperm for cash- he chose their parent/s - and they chose him. I am working hard to educate people as to the needs of the resulting child- and would like to see private arrangements legalised so that all parties are protected, but can do this on their terms. Instead of working with me regulatory bodies would prefer to play Big Brother and try to stop men from helping women privately- despite the advantages. Yes, women do need to be careful regarding health risks- as fresh sperm cannot be tested and quarantined'- but how many partners do you screen before starting to have sexual relations with them- and how many women are having one night stands - having unprotected sex - as they wish to become a mother? There are health risks when trying to conceive 'naturally' with anyone- including a married partner. Private arrangements have been happening for centuries and the authorities should stop burying their heads in the sand - trying to stop it. They should instead look at the positives, and work with people such as myself, to make this more accessible- and more workable for all.

Only this morning I received a letter from Halth Canada demanding that I remove the details of my Canadian donors. I do not supply fresh sperm or sell it- I help women and couples connect with men who will help them become parents. How they do this is up to them. However apparently I am wrong- it is not permissable for me to help them to connect through a social forum- unless the donors actually have sex with the woman in order to conceive- as being a 'sexual partner' is considered acceptable within the law. So in Canada I need to advise you to throw away the syringe of turkey baster. I will need to be clear that I am only helping people to connect who will have sex- rather than using fresh sperm for self-insemination. How I could moderate that I have no idea however I have (reluctantly) changed all pages relating to Canada. This is very much against the ethos of the site- which is the promote safe and responsible private practices- including only using AI- ie fresh sperm donated for self-insemination- after testing for STDs and HIV etc. In most countries AI is advisable by lawyers- along with sperm donor agreement documents. This clearly defines intent- that it was a donation- even though the law will still look out for the best interest of the child - and not the parent/s should it actually go to court. I believe that AI also keeps the arrangement professional - with clear boundaries set in place- and it also means that lesbian women and couples are not disadvantaged. As 'Health Canada' have given me no option but to insist that Canadian men donate through sex- and not AI- a wide range of issues and question arise and I am concerned.

While I applaud efforts to keep women safe- by encouraging them to use sperm from a licenced clinic etc- I believe we are limiting their choices- as well as that of the men who want to help (but on their terms) and the resulting children. I am not a supporter of clinics as such as they do not allow for children to gain enough information about where they come from. That to me is far more important than making sure the sperm is safe. I believe we can do both however. Why not create clinics where men can go to when they have chosen who to donate to- with donors and recipients able to meet first- and without the high prices demanded by clinics. Why cant they keep in touch with each other- so that questions can be answered- even though parental rights are relinquished? This recent article shows how important sites like FSDW/ Sperm Donors Worldwide/ DIY Baby™ are- and what we are trying to achieve with regards to CHOICES for all. Please also look out for The Child Listener's up and coming campaign- Children deserve to know where they come from'. It is for this reason that the Child Listener™ continues to help people, despite the difficulties thrown at her - including this latest letter.

- The Child Listener™ - A Voice for Kids

http://www.usnewssource.com/press-releases/children-deserve-to-know-where-they-come-from-campaign-launched-with-a-focus-on-sperm-donor-conception_97626.html

To send your comments please email Emma- Emma@DIY-Baby.com

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A recent Daily Telegraph Article was posted here

I gave my own feedback regarding 'unregulated web sites':

This story was very interesting- 'Yesterday, the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) admitted it is launching an investigation into what it considers the abundance of “unethical” fertility websites. The body has become concerned that they could put the health of vulnerable women at risk, leave a generation of children facing future heartache, and have long-reaching legal implications for both mother and donor.'

I find it interesting because- yes, I do feel that private sperm donation should be discussed- however (as usual) the authorities are failing to recognise that there is a reason why these sites are in demand. Instead of potentially closing them down- and naming them 'unethical' (why, because we are trying to help women and couples you can't help?) they should be considering making a practice that is becoming increasingly popular safer and more accessible. Don't fight it- work with people like myself to make it safer. Give people an option- where they can reduce the risks- and also take advantage of the benefits- the benefits that obtaining sperm from a sperm bank don't offer. I am not actually sure what they plan on doing- and this 'Big Brother' type attitude- although well-meaning- will potentially make the issue far worse. How could they regulate social forums and connection sites- are they going to regulate dating sites as well? The issue here should be that the current system isn't meeting the needs - of women, couples, donors and the resulting children. That should be our focus.

The story states- 'From an ethical point of view, the fact that many actively do not want the donor to have any contact with the child throws up concerns. Dr Phil Canner, who writes for the Bulletin of Medical Ethics, says there could be far-reaching consequences. “We could see a whole raft of children growing up without a father figure. Yes, that happens naturally in life. But this is a conscious decision, and one wonders about the morality of that. When these children are old enough to ask about their father, explaining how the mother became pregnant could be an emotional minefield. Frankly, from a child’s point of view, these sites are ethically unsupportable.”
However this simply isnt true- not for my site (FSDW) anyway. My members join for that reason- they want to have met the donor, be able to talk about him to their children and often the donors play a distant uncle role- or even co-parent. When people use a sperm bank they have no clue what the donor is like- what are they doing to tell their children?- and the donors certainly aren't involved in the child's life- and don't want to be. Its why men used to donate to sperm banks. Now they know the child might turn up at 18 they have stopped donating. The men however who DO want to be involved or to know the parents can email him if they have questions- will use my site. If our concern was the wellfare of the children some might argue that using a sperm bank is far worse a scenario for the resulting child, than a private arrangement, where the parent/s and donor can have a choice in the matter.
The authorities are missing what is actually happening- and ignoring the obvious benefits to everyone. Yes, we still have major health and legal issues - however these can be reduced- and we should be working to change the law in order to recognise and protect all parties when making this type of arrangement- something that has been happening for centuries.
I do have practical ideas for how this could happen, but there isn't enough room to post them here:-) I will set up a blog on the Telegraph site to air them.

Just my thoughts anyway....and in 6 years and 2000 or so pregnancies- I have had NO issues at all. I do work hard to make sure my members and donors approach this as safely and responsibly as possible- and this can be the result. It can be very successful for all parties- including the children.
I actually don't allow all donors to register- or all women and couples to subscribe. I have a clear Behaviour Code- which means that anyone asking for money (eg the 150 pounds described in this article) or sex (NI) are immediately reported and banned. The sites that don't offer this, and know that sex is happening- and that money is being handed over (which is illegal) do worry me- however I will focus my time and energy on educating people through FSDW, and in offering advice and support regarding safe private sperm donation practices, and helping parents to meet the needs of the children born as a result. As a child behaviour advisor and family therapist what happens AFTER the conception is actually just as important to me and the process of getting pregnant.

Emma
Also known as 'The Child Listener'
Creator of Sperm Donors Worldwide in 2004- and now more commonly known as FSDW (Free Sperm Donations Worldwide and DIY Baby™)

Sorry if repeating myself- but my comments to this one were as follows:

Amazing the Free Sperm Donations Worldwide web site wasn't mentioned in this article- it has been going far longer than either of these mentioned. Perhaps because the FSDW behaviour code is created to protect all parties- banning anyone even mentioning anything but AI- and encouraging all to do this in as safe and responsible as manner as possible- including discussing the actual child who will be created as a result. Not something the authorities - or writers- are interested in it seems.
Through FSDW- and because of the behaviour code- donors and members engage in intelligent conversation before making arrangements- and FSDW donors tend to be as picky in choosing who to donate to as the other way around. Far more thought goes into this than most situations- drunken one night stands, 'accidents', children born into unhappy marriages etc. In the 6 - almost 7 years- since I created FSDW there have been no issues- probably because the men looking for unprotected sex dont bother joining, and the women who join (and couples) are really serious about this. If not they would tend to use free forums - or just have a one night stand- even if the man didnt
realise he was being used.
Many men who register with FSDW often want to play a part in the child's life- whether through yearly updates, a distant uncle type role- to even co-parenting. All of which must be better for the child - than not knowing anything- except that a man he or she can never meet until 18 (and who probably wont want to meet him or her) ejaculated into a pot for a few quid. My members say how important it is to actually choose the donor- and vice versa. At the moment there is a demand- people want choices- and the authorities aren't offering that. Or people wouldn't be using sites like the two mentioned here- and mine! So instead of now threatening to jeopardise even those choices, they should be asking people what they want- and work out how to meet that need in a safe way. That means talking to women and couples - why choose men privately - with the risks associated (and yes, they do know those risks!) - why are men now reluctant to donate to sperm banks?- and what do the children born from sperm donation want. Would they have preferred that their parent/s chose the biological father after meeting, and talking- would they rather have a distant uncle than nothing at all? ( In this situation I am talking about children of single women and lesbian couples.) Bottom line- ask people what they want- and find solutions- instead of playing big brother and only focusing on a small part of the issue. There are so many benefits to these arrangements. Many people- who feel that they should be able to make their own choices- think these benefits outweigh the risks. These are social networking sites. Where will this end? No-one is forcing either party to decide that this is what they want. I for one go out of my way to talk about the risks- and even though not legally enforceable as the law is so grey in this area, encourage people to use the free sperm donor agreement docs available in members only area.
I believe that donors should be able to relinquish parental rights - as with adoption, surrogacy etc- thus being able to donate to a woman or couple of their choice- and know there will be no recourse- even if the mother changes her mind and wants money. Donors should be protected.
This is happening- wouldn't it be a great idea for the authorities to talk to people like me- owner of a very popular sperm donation connection site- and see what we think- and what we know about our donors and members? I am tired of the accusation of doing anything unethical- I get daily photos and emails from happy parents with babies created through FSDW and I wish the authorities would recognise that this can work. No, not all sites are moderated as agressively as me- or run by child behaviour advisors!- I care- I do this as being a parent is something I feel everyone should be able to achieve (when emotionally and financially ready) regardless of sexuality, marital or financial status etc. When I created this in 2004 I said it was to create choices- and it still is.
Em:-)

www.free-sperm-donations.com
DIY Baby˜- Creating Choices

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Take a Break Magazine exposes how many men are prowling free forums and sites wanting sex- with no consideration for health and legal issues- or for the child born as a result.

This is in part why the authorites are so anti private arrangements- because men use free forums such as 'Tadpole Donations' to look for vulnerable women wanting a baby- and who may agree to sex.
Many have tried to registered with FSDW and either not be approved- or removed as soon as they suggest 'NI' to FSDW members

Remember however that the woman should take responsiblity also- just say NO to sex?

You will see from my comments on their support group board-

I was asked the following questions regarding FSDW by a journalist - and invite your
comments and questions:

1. What do you think motivates the men to 
   give their sperm for free?  

2. You have 1250 UK donors! Do you know how many the 
   NHS have? I’d imagine that you have far more. 
   Why do you think this is so? 

3. What safeguards do you take to ensure that the donors 
   are ‘genuine donors’ only? (i.e. no money or sex). 

4. Do you limit the amount of times a donor can give sperm? 
   What is the maximum amount of children one donor has had 
   through Sperm Donors Worldwide? 

5. Do you test the donors for hereditary illnesses, 
   intelligence etc. as is common practice in the USA? 

6. How do you personally feel for helping 2000 
   people be born onto this earth? 

7. Do you think you will establish a sibling registry? 
   Are you fearful of potential incest problems in the 
   future with unknowing siblings developing relationships? 

8. You mention that some women who want to live off the state, 
   use less reputable sites. Can you think of any of them off hand? 

9. I have also read articles about predatory men using other sites to 
   procreate prolifically and to have sex? Is this 
   a big problem or exaggerated by the media? 

10. I understand that you like donors and parent(s) to reach an 
    understanding with one another as to what role the donor s
    hould play in the future? 
    Have problems arisen with one party wanting to 
    renege on the agreement? 

11. What do you feel should be done to tackle the 
    sperm shortage in the UK? 

12. Do you have any ‘star’ donors that are very much 
    sought after? 
    What are the most popular traits parent(s) 
    look for in a donor? 

1/ Its illegal to charge for bodily fluids so they cant get money for their sperm unless through a sperm bank.... 
So - why would they donate privately- and not through a sperm bank and get money? 


Donors are as picky about who they donate to as women are in choosing a suitable donor. Some talk about being
'interviewed' by their potential donor- who wants to know that the women he donates to are ready- and have the same kind of ideals. 
This is key- most of my donors want to meet recipients, decide who they are going to donate to- and on what terms. They can't do that through a sperm bank and it is more important to them than money. Many will only donate to one person or couple - and some are looking for a more involved role- as a distant uncle- or some to even co-parent. Again, not a choice you get through a sperm bank. FSDW is about choices.

A donor wrote to me not long ago about being invited to a christening- and only he and the parents knew that the baby wasnt the biological father of the child. He said that seeing the joy in their eyes was just incredible- he would never get that by donating through a sperm bank and so donating for free leaves him far richer, spiritually and emotionally. The experience they have through FSDW is worth more to most than money they could get selling their sperm. My donors do tend to genuinely want to help- but on their terms. They dont want 50 quid for ejaculating into a pot- they feel more of an desire to know who will be raising their offspring- even if they arent involved. Some might say they only want to donate to a couple who will raise the child jewish- or who would be able to help the child learn several languages - or who are likely to encourate spirituality- or even to be raised as a vegetarian! And as I said, some join to find one woman or lesbian couple to co-parent with- as they want to raise a child but without the romantic involvement. So they do this for free- and despite the risks- because of what they gain from this emotionally. And sometimes because they are looking for involvement in the child's life- not money.  

2/ I dont know how many the NHS have. I have so many for the reasons outlined above. They actually have
choices through FSDW. I imagine they also get a great deal more satisfaction actually knowing where the
sperm went- rather than to a sperm bank- and obviously the woman or couple are very grateful- Im not sure
they get that kind of gratitude from sperm bank staff. And again, because many want involvement of sorts.

3/ I cannot verify anything that donors say- its exactly like a dating site- and members know this. Its up to them, as adults, to protect themselves- as they should if connecting with a potential partner through a dating site. I do however have a behaviour code that everyone agrees to before being allowed access - and as this is well known members and donors tell me if anyone is in breach. So I rely on members and donors being sensible - and also on giving me feedback- so that I can more effectively moderate the site - and bump off people in breach. The main elements of the code are no sex or any type of sexaul contact between donors and members (including no 'helping hands etc) no money other than genuine expenses- eg train fares- with receipts- and that all profiles
and correspondence are clear, and not potentially offensive. I also want to know if people dont respond when a message is sent- that is rude and uneccessary- and I will remove repeat offenders! Politeness costs nothing - and is expected through FSDW

4/ I dont have any say in what adults do when they have met- so if a donor wants to donate multiple times thats up to him. If he was to put it in his profile- ie have created 100 babies!- I would challenge him on it- and want to know more. I do have a sense of responsiblity- and if something is presented I take action. However I treat my members and donors as adults- with the onus being on the member asking- and deciding for themselves if they are ok with the choices/ behaviours of the donor. However they are only going on what the donor says- so they might by stretching the truth anyway. Its a risk people have to take.  There is some study I heard of- re men having multiple affairs- having lots of children with different women- and statistically I think the chances of sibblings meeting are less than we would think. I used to have visions of half brothers and sisters meeting up - not knowing they were related- but its realistically very unlikely.
It is however another reason for working on the FSDW sibbling registry.   

 

5/ As with above- Im not involved in the actual donation process at all- I just help people connect.
Yes, my members will pay for the paper copy given when their donor gets free same day HIV and STD
testing at NHS GU clinics- or pay privately. Many donors donate to clinics and have regular testing- as
well as written results re sperm count etc These are adults- its up to them to reduce those risks. And
they do protect themselves far so more than most in a relationship or even married who rarely test
themselves before having unprotected sex.

 

6/ Incredibly blessed that I can help so many people- and hopeful that these children have been
created by people who have thought long and hard about this and are ready- and have been able
to reduce the risks as much as possible- rather than children born through one night stands, or to a
couple who separate or divorce etc. In a way its like an arranged marriage- far more likely to work
as it was a pre-agreed arrangement and really wanted. This has been happening for years- often in
far riskier circumstances- and I feel lucky that I can help so many- but help them do this in as safe and
responsible a manner as possible. In a way I feel that I am able to offer a moderated environment-
and that if people want to do this I would rather they did so through FSDW, where I can at least offer
help, support and advice- and where they can share experiences etc in the members area through
blogs. And if there were any difficulties I can gather a lot more info than through forums and free sites.
For example I get nigerians trying to register- saying they are in the UK- and because my software
enables me to check if IPs are actually in the counrty they state, I can delete their profiles. All donors
have to be approved before gaining access to the members area. That doesnt happen with free
yahoo forums etc. Being able to help so many- not only to become parents- but to ensure that
the process is a easy and safe as possible- means a great deal to me.

7/ As I said before, no Im not really concerned- it is so unlikely to happen. Many of my members
purposely choose donors who dont live near them- or even in the same country- not only so their
children dont meet but also to make sure the arrangement stays as agreed. I imagine it might be
difficult for a donor who has agreed not to be involved, and who lives around the corner from a
gorgeous child- he might decide he wanted to play daddy after all. So distance is often preferred -
even though it makes the insemination part more difficult.
The issue re the registry is how to do it without abusing the trust and rights of my donors. The
donors would have to be in agreement. I am trying to work out how this can happen. Often donors
dont use real names anyway- and this might be something I encourage even more- so that the
donors real identify isnt even known- even though the parents can know that they all had children
from the same one.

8/I wont mention specific sites - however women who have less than honourable intentions
will tend to find sites that dont charge a membership fee- ie free forums. They will often then get
the men who do want sex or money- but it might not matter to them so much.

FSDW donors tell me they choose FSDW because they tend to find there is a more mature, intelligent
and caring approach- women who have really thought about this, and are emotionally and financially
secure. Many donors donate through numerous sites- but tell me they find a better 'quality' of woman
and couple through FSDW in many cases. I think this is because members have to pay a fee- and also
because I am very clear about why I created and operate the site. If I feel that a woman just wants a
baby and - for example is 18 and still living at home with no job- I wont let them join. I know its
judgmental- but I have to run this as best I can- and in all good conscience I couldnt sleep at night
if I was being a part of bringing children in the world to an enivornment that isnt loving, secure, stable-
and where they are likely to be able to develop to their potential. Most of my single women are actually 30+ - and have had their career, have a good support network- and have decided having a child is more important than waiting for 'the one'. And of course lesbian couples want to pay for a better quality site as they dont want the offers of sex. Of course there are some success stories on free sites- but I would rather pay 20 pounds a month to gain access to the FSDW members area than access a free site and have no protection, and be contacted by wierdos. Which leads me on to the next question....  

 

9/ No, its isnt exagerated- its AWFUL. And why Im so strict with my behaviour code. There are a few
men who join every single site- some of them are fairly well known and talked about on the various
sites. Makes me shudder. They prey on vulnerable women who just want to be a mother- manipulate them- get them to have sex- and at the same time behave as if they are some kind of superior being- helping the needy. Those kind of men can stay well away from FSDW. To be honest they dont even try to join anymore - and of course I do have software that tracks banned donors and watches what is happening. I actually had one donor- who had been reported for asking for sex- and stalking the woman (who has told him where he lived!) and who I banned. He then had his layer write to me insisting I reinstate him! So egotiscial that he thought he was doing these women such a service that how dare I ban him! He also tried to buy the site- and when I told him where to go he threatened to set up a site in competition. He actually also tried to cause a lot of problems for me- tried to get the site closed down- and wouldnt accept that its my personal site and I can decide who uses it and who doesnt. That one in particular is a really scarey individual as he's quite intelligent - he really scares me to be honest. I know hes still active on other sites- the free ones- and also (Ive been told) a big 'Co-Parenting' site. 
  
Some women want sex too by the way! I dont care if a woman asks for NI (sex) - because she thinks
it will be more effective- I wont knowingly allow it. Again, perhaps a bit big brother- but goes against my behaviour code- which was created to encourage safe and responsible sperm donation. So although I say that I help people connect- and its up to them what they do after that- its not quite true. They can decide how they want to procede- but in line with my behaviour code.          

 

10/ In the first year I had one man- from the US- who had said he wouldnt be involved- and had them met the baby- and fallen in love. He wrote to me as he didnt know what to do and said he had never expected to feel that way. As far as I know however they worked it out- it certainly didnt go to court or anything. Other than that there have been no incidents of people changing their mind regarding their arrangement through FSDW. Again, I think its because my members and donors have really thought about this. Often with free sites- and a few others I wont mention- its a spur of the monent thing- they dont chat about expectations etc- and can join and want to collect sperm that week! If a woman tried that through FSDW most donors wouldnt agree to helping them- not until they had really talked- and the donor was happy that they were really ready for this huge committment.

11/ I think we should get together and work out how to give donors more choice- and I think the fertilty authorities need to stop only protesting about the risks- and instead talk to men about what they want- and how we can move forward. By being so regimented its made less men want to help- and this has actually (I think) led to an increase in the very behaviours the authorities dont want- ie private arrangements. To me its like abortion- you can tell people not to have sex, tell people not to have abortions- but if they arent legal people will still have sex- and still find somewhere to have abortions. The world is changing- more people want children - who would perhaps not have been able to many years ago- single women, lesbian couples and infertile couples. They now feel that
they have a right to regardless of difficulties- and therefore need options! There are so many men out there who so want to help- but until we work out a way of making private sperm donation safer less men will donate, and more people will make arrangement privately. It scares me to see so many 'sperm donor wanted' messages on open free forums- not only because of the potential risks to the woman, but also because most men dont know that they can be taken to court for 18 months of financial support if the woman decided to go to court. It doesnt matter what they agreed on- the judge will look at the best interests of the child (as he or she should) - and that usually means supporting the child. So I would urge people to use FSDW because we can work together to reduce these risks.

Bottom line, while there is no choice of anonimity, you wont get men donating through sperm banks -
and having to worry 1 years later if there will be a knock on the door. Ironically, most of my donors would be happy to meet the child at 18 (and often before- many even being a distant uncle- or co-parent!) - the difference here though is that they get to choose the recipients- and often keep in touch.  So although the laws are to help the child- and they deserve to know where they have come from!- I believe that arrangements made through FSDW will actually be far more beneficial to the child in most instances. I would much prefer arrangements where there can be some contact- but where the rights of the donor are protected. Not sure how we could make it work- but we need to get together and talk- and work out solutions. I believe there should be a way to help women/ couples and donors connect- as with FSDW - a place where donors can get their sperm not only tested but also frozen and used for the person they have chosen. They can know each other- and have legally binding documents- and remove parental responsibility and all rights at birth.  So basically what they are doing through FSDW- but with the option to get better testing- and for sperm to be quarantined- and for all parties to be protected legally. 
Kind of like with surrogacy and adoption- but also options for come contact with the child if agreed. 

12/ Yes, definitely. About 40 in the UK in particular who get lots of praise. They approach it professionally, and with a friendly but detached manner- so that the women or couple feel as though they are going to be able to do this without worrying about any future issues. These are men they connect with emotionall y- could be friends with in other circumstances (often do stay friends with actually)  They are knowledgeable about how to help the woman get pregnant quickly- ovulation, best way to self-inseminate etc. They dont overstep the boundaries- and when it is time for the 'exchange' they produce their best swimmers in another room, come out and hand them the pot and then leave- making the process very easy. They check how they are - are really pleased to hear the good news- and again have that balance of caring- but without overstepping the mark. Often they will help with baby 2 and 3. many of my original members are now onto baby 2 and 3.
They keep in touch- even through they didnt need to join FSDW again as they used the same guy. You
would think that many would be looking at physical characteristics- but actually its more about intelligence, personality and that its someone they connect with. Most are looking for a particular ethnicity but arent overly bothered about hair colour, eye colour etc- which is how I think many people approach choosing a donor from a sperm bank. This is so much more 'real' and personal. 

Hope that helps,         

Emma:-)

Please read the following article - I talk about possible solutions for overcoming the risks associated with Private Sperm Donations web sites, such as FSDW

Many web sites have cropped up since the creation of FSDW in 2004- apparently the first sperm donor connection web sites in the UK and arguably the most popular worldwide, with almost 2000 successful pregnancies by 2010. Because the owers of these sites are not involved in the actual sperm donation process they are exempt from the laws governing sperm donation. However, although they are in it's simplest form connecting like minded people- which is not illegal- they surely have a huge responsibility morally to protect their users.
So why are these sites becoming popular- despite the obvious risks- not only through the use of often untested, and certainly not quarantined and frozen sperm- but also as this issue is currently a very grey area legally. A man donating his sperm privately can be facing 18 years of financial support if the parent/s take him to court- as the biological father. Private sperm donation agreement documents are suggested - and more clearly show intent - however the rights of the child are put before the wishes of the donor. Despite those risks- and more- there is an obvious need for sperm - and the current system isn't meeting that need. The reason Man Not Included (in the UK) made so much money (and have since been prosecuted) is because there are so many women and couples wanting sperm- and are prepared to pay for it. However there should be an option to do that - that is also safe for all involved. Selling fresh sperm can never be the answer. Should sperm be offered for sale however- that is safe? At the moment it is really only in the US where this is an option.

Part of the reason for a shortage in sperm banks is because of the changes to anonimity laws around the world. Many men who had been donating through clinics have now stopped because they simply do not want a child knocking on their door at the age of 18. A child who has been raised by people they have never met- or chosen. And there lies a major issue re having sperm available for sale, as in the US, where you can order sperm online from several sperm banks and have it shipped to your home address for self-insemination. Many of the men who donate privately wouldn't donate through these banks - because (unless the system changes) they will still have no say in who they donate to. So although it might be a good idea in principle clinics would probably still struggle to find the men to help.

Many men speak of wanting to be able to make their own arrangements- and then have the sperm tested, quarantined and stored to be sold only to those they have approved. Sold at a reasonable price- to cover the screening etc- rather than to make clinics rich. Many mendo not mind the child knocking on their door at 18 if they know what kind of life the child is likely to have had- and who was raising them. You will imagine that many men want their biological child- even if not raising them- to be raised by people of the same religion, have the same ideals, possibly even the same political views etc. Many of the donors donating through private sperm donor sites are as selective regarding who they donate to as are the recipients when they are choosing a donor. One journalist went undercover and posed as a woman wanting a sperm donor through FSDW. She told one donor that she drank heavily- to see his reaction- and he told her he wouldn't donate to someone who wasn't able to raise a child in a stable environment etc and told her where to get some help and support! My point being that most of my donors want to help- but are selective- and that ultimately they want to be able to make the choice regarding where their sperm goes to, themselves. At the moment there is really no-where in the world where that is a valid choice- and where they are also protected legally. Why shouldn't men be able to offer to help one woman or couple- or several- and sign away their parental rights as with surrogacy and adoption etc. As with open adoptions why cant donors agree to release information or even keep in touch as a distant uncle- for the benefit of the child- and also be protected by law. Adults should be able to make their own choices about who they donate their sperm to- and who they want to use as a sperm donor.

As a child behaviour therapist the child is my primary concern- and private arrangements- where the parent/s actually meet- and can possibly keep in touch with - the donor, can have more benefits to the child. Many of these children are raised by single women and lesbian couples and need to know where they come from. People can be naive and think that raising a child with love and kindness is enough- all children - whether adopted- or raised by non biological parents in whatever arrangement- need to know their origins. Just because they aren't raised in a two parent family- or with a positive male role model- it doesn't mean they wont grow up to be independent, self confident and happy members of society- however it does make it more difficult. Research shows that children from sperm donation raised by lesbian couples do better than by single women- and I am interested to see what other new research will surface. It is a relatively new area with regards to research and clinical studies- even though it has been happening for centuries.

Imagine if you are a child who cannot find out anything about your biological father until 18- you may have a wonderful life but there will always be questions. Do I get my quirky personality from him?- does he hate carrots too?- do I get my athleticism from him? etc. Its who they are- even if not involved with him. And if women and couples can choose their donor they can offer much more insight to the child- and explain why they chose him. Again, as a child- wouldn't you want to know that you parent/s actually met him- and chose him- based on his personality, intelligence, kind spirit etc- rather than from a catalogue? Wouldn't you rather tell your friends in the playground at 4 and 5- when asked- 'where is your daddy' -something real- as if you do know who he is even if not involved? So, again, while I support the right for women and couples to buy sperm - safely- there are other issues to consider- mainly relating to the child.

I would like to see a combination of what is happening through well moderated sites like FSDW (where there are clear guidelines to protect all parties) however the actual donation part can be done through a legal channel at a reasonable price. Ideally through not for profit clinics. They can decide on who to use- and then go to a clinic and donate just for them. The recipients would need to wait six months- to know the sperm is safe- but whats six months in the scheme of things? They could then either self-inseminate at home- as you can in the US- or use a clinic if they needed assistance. Legally the donor would be protected from court action- and the child is never legally his. So this gives peace of mind to the recipients. No reason they can't stay in touch after though- and may could be the distant uncle - without the strings- if all parties were in agreement.

There is also the growing demand for sperm for co-parenting arrangements- like an arranged marriage but where people are raising children together without romance. Again perhaps the man could donate through a clinic for their use only- but this time not relinqish his parental rights- the arrangement would be pre-agreed and legally enforceable. Like a married couple who have now separated.

I believe that we need to work out how to allow adults to make choices- that are in the best interest of all parties- including the children. I think the current system works well for recipients- they can get pregnant with no strings, no legal issues- it works well for the small percentage of donors who don't mind not having anonimity- however I don't believe it is a great solution for the children- especially if not raised by a straight couple. This is because society accepts that situation more readily and there are fewer questions of the child from other children etc On that point please be clear in that I don't believe children do better or worse when raised by straight for gay couples- that is down to the individual couple. However we can logically assume that children born to a lesbian couple are asked more questions- often innocently - from other children who are just curious. I would hope that adults can find solutions within their own situation- that meet the needs of the child as fully as possible. We can make it easier for all involved when there is more knowledge- and this is why meeting up and making an arrangement can be so beneficial to all.

The sex pests journalists are currently talking about in the UK press are to be found everywhere in life. If women use a safer alternative to free forums- and are approached by a man asking for sex they can&nbsp;report him. They do not have to accept it.- they can just report him and keep searching for the ideal man with the same expectations. If we can find solutions with the authorities then women won't ever need to accept their advances anywhere- however desperate for child they may be. So rather than just exposing them- and I would hope women would also take ownership for allowing it- we should offer choices for more people- because those 'sex pests' will then be irrelevant- no longer required.

One might also put forward the argument that clinics do need to be 'not for profit'' and there should be an allowance- eg on the NHS or Medicare- for women and couples to access the sperm that has been donated just for them. If there is a high price - rather than a realistic one (and if you cant afford anything perhaps you cant afford the child yet) then you will again have women turning to anyone you can help- and the sex pests are laughing.

We live in an every changing world where more and more single women, lesbian and infertile couples are demanding that they too be able to experience the job of being a parent. With that growing demand, we need to find solutions that offer choices- but also protect the rights, health and needs of all involved.

Emma Hartnell-Baker
Creator, FSDW
DIY Baby™- Creating Choices!

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